Whitney's Story

I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday afternoon. I took a test, but I didn't really need to. My body already knew the answer that the little plastic window confirmed. I felt joy! But so many other feelings came with that joy, and they flooded over me during the hour drive home that day. 

All of a sudden 27 felt so young. I thought of the dwindling balance in my bank account, my lack of healthcare, and the rotting metal of our single-cab Tacoma as I realized that we had a long, challenging road ahead of us if we chose to become parents now. 

I thought of my personal goals, how I wanted to feel more fulfilled as an individual before becoming a mother. It never really feels like the right time to have children, said my childhood best friend who, as a mother of three, likely knows what she is talking about. But if we embarked on parenthood before we felt truly ready, would we be able to readily find joy in that journey? Would we be able to create a safe and positive environment for our offspring with so much uncertainty ourselves?

We spent hours talking; endless conversations between the two of us, thoughtful discussions with family members and friends. We knew we wanted children, but perhaps not now. Somehow that made things even more confusing. The decision was agonizing, but I realize how fortunate I am to have had the opportunity to choose. 

We made the decision while paddling a canoe on the West River that Saturday. I cried in the canoe. 

I cried in the passenger seat of the rotting Tacoma as we made the trip to the Planned Parenthood clinic the following Friday. It was the height of the pandemic, so I dried my tears and went in alone. The staff at the clinic made me feel safe. Armed with information and confidence in our decision, I didn't cry when I took the first abortion medication pill, then the second, and stayed up all night on the couch. I didn't cry when the sun came up and the bleeding stopped. I do cry sometimes when I think of the brown-haired babe that would have come out of my body that spring, but those tears are rare. I know that the decision was right. My time for motherhood may come, but it wasn't then. 
 
Whitney (she/her)